I'm Having An Emotional Crisis.

Sometimes, I fear the world is going to end sooner than we expect it to. The news has been buzzing with tragedy, and I'm going to be very frank with you: it scares me.

Every day, I hear something new. They're too violent and sad for me to retype, especially since this blog has been meant to maintain a calm, peaceful nature, but they have occurred in our ever turning world. Perhaps these events don't happen as often as it may seem...but after reading two books recently, my perspective is shifting once again.

We All Looked Up by Tommy Wallach and A Work in Progress by Connor Franta have found their way between my fingertips this month. Both are about life, and how people live.

We All Looked Up is specifically about an asteroid heading straight for Earth. Everyone is figuring out how to spend the last two months of their lives as a giant space rock plummets toward them, and it focuses on the lives of a few, beautiful, complex humans. I had been reading it on a plane, and I didn't sleep the entire night after completing it (the evening of July 14th). I thought, Am I truly living life right? What if the world ended in a few days? Would I be content with what I have left on this planet? I was falling into a crisis. It stuck with me strongly for the next few days. I wondered what I could do to feel content, to fulfill what I have done so far. My main concern was have I wasted my high school years? What else could I have done? 

Then, on Sunday July 17th, I picked up A Work in Progress. Initially, I had planned on reading Lady Midnight by Cassandra Clare and then reading this, but I decided to switch it up. That decision ended up being very important in the timeline of things. Connor Franta's book ended up pulling me deeper in the crisis of am I living right? Just a few hours before I began typing this, I finished that book. I learned many different lessons from that, but the main one was that life just doesn't wait for anyone. If I want something to happen, I have to make it happen. It made me question my happiness. Am I merely existing? Or am I living? Am I doing what makes me happy? Am I the explorative soul I always hoped to be?

I'm not only scared about the fear and pain that has been driven into the hearts of innocent humans by people who hurt others. Rather, I'm terrified that if the world ends, I wouldn't have lived the life I always dreamed of. I know I'm still young, but this is still precious time that should not be wasted. I think I was waiting for tomorrow to do the things that make my heart tick-- but, why would I do such a thing when there is today? If I want to explore the Earth, the time to do it is now.

A reoccurring theme on Thought Dweller is the topic of change and transition. The true reason why I keep reconnecting to that is because I fear it sometimes. When I write about it, it helps me ease up and occasionally it's the type of change that I'm more proud of.

But here I am. Emotionally stripped raw by two books, initiating that change I need so desperately underneath the full moon. I'm tired of saying one day. If I can do it, why not? I have chances. So many questions and wonders have filled my mind these last few days. Anything could happen. Life is something so fragile, but our souls are strong. We have control over what we do while we're here, so let's take our realities by the reigns and ride them straight into our dreams.

Starting now, I'll work harder toward the things that make me the person I want to be. I'll hike, I'll take more photos, I'll write more, I'll create more art. I will ward away loneliness, but embrace it when I need to. I'll find more wisdom in the world around me. I'll live the life I want to live, and I'll be passionate and happy. I'll find the path. I just want to live.

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